The way how my life turned out now, isn’t what I planned for it to be. Kinda disappointed in myself. Not that I’m not completely happy with how things turned out..But what I wished for it to be like. Just wanna be successful. But I put myself in a position where I’m struggling 24/7. #sigh.
Is endless til the one that got away comes back.
There’s days like this where I’m up all night and morning just thinking about everything. Sometimes I’m not thinking about anything, but knowing that the thought is in my head, it keeps me up for hours and hours. If that even makes sense. Maybe it does, but maybe it doesn’t.
I’ve had better days these days. Well actually, just starting on Sunday. And it’s been better up until today. Or yesterday? A lot of deep thoughts continued to just race through my mind to where I was holding and fighting back tears just to show no weakness. But me not even being able to open up was already making me feel weak.
I just want things to go back to how they used to be. Because I know that I can make things better. I know that things would be better this time around because mistakes were learned from. Because the same mistakes wouldn’t be made again or at least thought twice about.
So sick and tired of being sick and tired. God help me.
On top of lies. On top of lies. On top of lies.
So after all of this wallowing, sitting around, and being all depressed and crap over a break up. I’ve finally come to realize that now that I’m doin’ ME, I couldn’t be any happier. Yes.. the break up was horrible and so unexpected. But time has passed and I find myself being a better person today. The things in my life may not be as great as I would like them to. But i’m learning to adjust. But I’m gonna continue to keep moving forward. To keep making steps forward and pray to God that I won’t have to take any steps back.
I would tell my life story.. except I don’t think anyone needs to know everything that I’m going through, and I don’t need to put my business out there. But from a girl learning from experience.. Even if you’re down to your last hopes, and think that everything is just so.. bad, and you feel like you’re hanging by a thread. Trust me, things will get better in time. It’s hard to hear that while you’re going through everything and while you’re down in this ditch, you don’t wanna hear anything positive because you believe that it can’t get any better. IT CAN.
I’ve gone through the most fucked up shit only being 19, and I keep asking myself, “Why is this happening to me?” “I’m too young for this” and “What did I do to deserve this?” Most of the time, people don’t deserve what’s happening to them. And I know I sure didn’t. But I got my mind straight, and started to get my life right. And even if it’s not the best it could be, or what I wish it could be. I can happy that right now, I AM HAPPY. I feel like I’m the old me again. And I’m still continuing to build myself up to be who I know I am.
Don’t ever give up. Because giving up is way too easy.
Fresh? It’s how I wanna start this off.
I decided to delete every post that I’ve ever posted before. Just because looking back on all of them, I’ve realized that I was just so young and naive to even know what I was talking about. It’s crazy how things seem years later. And what your perspective on life is at the moment because of all that you’ve gone through.
I’m going through the rocky-est time in my life. And i’m forced to be so much older then I am. It sucks that I can’t even act like a normal 19 year old only because life is telling me that I need to get my shit together so quickly. I wish a lot of things were different. But hey, what can you do right?
Life’s a bitch.
