I love you, that means I’m not just here for the pretty parts. I’m here no matter what.Claudia Gray, Hourglass (via tyirell)
I’m going to tell you what a demon once told me: It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. It’s okay to do what’s healthy for YOU. When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and then ask them what the hell they expected. It’s okay. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to say “Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?” You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.SonneillonV (via jesussbabymomma)
Fuck yeah. I love this!
(@Ocean Beach, San Diego, Saturday 08.09.14)
I’m sitting here thinking about the past. How life used to be, what friend’s I had, what things I was going through whether it was good or bad, and just life in general and how quickly things change in just a short amount of time. One day, you could be with your so-called “friends,” & the next, you realize that you don’t even speak to them anymore or they don’t speak to you. And looking back, it seemed like that bond could never be broken because of how great the friendship was & how easy it was to trust someone and tell them everything and confide in them when times were tough.. .
I can think of so many people right now, right at the top of my head who I used to be such great friends with not too long ago, and now knowing that we don’t even talk to each other nor have spoken a word to each other anymore. And these are people whom I considered people who were “the realest” in my life, and I couldn’t be happier and life couldn’t be any greater because of this unbreakable bond that I later learned has broken. It breaks my heart and it honestly kills me inside wondering where things went wrong. And how so quickly, things changed and having nothing but memories to reminisce on. These are people whom I’ve either known for years and years because we grew up together from middle school/high school, or people who I have only known for a few years who I thought were so genuine and great people. It’s like night and day how life is now. One day, you have your homies you could confide in and go to whenever things got rough, or vise versa and I would be there with open arms and open ears to help them out in any way I could, big or small.
I almost regret being so nice, and giving my all, and just being me. Because I feel like I have been taken advantage of, and thrown to the side because I’m no longer needed. But only picked out of the trash when someone needs something from me and that’s the only reason. I hate the way I am sometimes. I hate that I am too nice, too forgiving, and the type of person to do a favor or something for someone, no questions asked. But when it comes to me needing some type of help or assistance, no one is anywhere to be found. And I’m stuck here alone, having to deal with the problems that life brings upon us. It makes me so sad just thinking about it. And it’s hard to not wanna break down while I’m typing this down right now because of how much of an impact it has on my heart. I’ve known that this has been going on for a while now, but it wasn’t until this moment, that I really feel heavy-hearted and I miss how things used to be. But now I feel like things are falling to pieces in some areas of my life. And I don’t know what I can do to fill this void I have in my heart.
What saddens me even more is that I was accused of doing treacherous things to these people and that as hard as I tried to fight and to prove that it really wasn’t me, no one would stick up for me and have my back. Sure, I’ve done some shitty things in my life, and I’m not gonna forget it or undermine it. But there are things that I really would not do to someone because of the kind of person I am. And knowing that I am better than that, because I once cared for these people. I would never steal from someone I had cared about whether they were just a friend, or someone more than a friend because honestly, that’s really fucked up. And when I think about all the nice things I did, and how I would do anything to make them happy and would never do them wrong..all fingers were pointed at me. Why? Because they had no one else to blame. So the easiest target was me. After that incident happened, I sat and thought about it for a while wondering why the hell would someone think that I would do that to them, when clearly, I was financially stable and could hold my own because of the way I was able to get myself to that point. Never once did I ever ask for help in that area, nor cared about where it came from, where it was going, and overall didn’t care for it at all because I didn’t wanna be involved, in case something were to ever happen. (Knock On Wood) So again, why was I such an easy target? And how was that conclusion made up so quickly? Because honestly, that was all a load of bullshit. And I did not deserve to be punished for something I didn’t do. When all I was trying to do was be the reason why someone was happy and to be there for them no matter what. Through thick and thin.
Anyways, I got off topic a bit and veered off into a tangent rant. But it just amazes me the changes of life. And how things could be so completely different in the span of a year, or even less.. or more. But life sure is crazy. I don’t want to be bitter and salty about the situation that I’ve been in multiple times. But this one really hit home this time around. Probably because I’m older now. And things like that really do make an impact on my life mentally and physically. I wish I could have some of these unanswered questions answered because it confuses the hell out of me and again, makes me wonder where did things go wrong? I can’t help but to consider people who have done this to me to be fake, and fucked up for leavin’ me hangin’. When I have heard, “I’ll always be there for you,” “You’re my bestfriend,” “Homies For Life,” Etc. Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies. I’m mad because I believed it and I’m sad because I’m left alone. And I’m confused because of how fast this happened. Do I have the right to feel this way after everyone left me behind? Is this a life lesson to me that one day I’ll find that group of friends to be considered my “Day One’s” and know that they would never leave my side no matter how hard life gets you down? How can I become less bitter and negative about this? What in life could help me get through this and help me fill this empty void? I have so many questions running through my head, wondering if they could ever be answered. I know that everything happens for a reason, as cliché as that sounds, but it’s true. But damn, it’s frustrating as hell wondering what that reason was to begin with.
It’s been a while since I’ve gone and ranted off on Tumblr, only because I have been keeping everything to myself because honestly, nobody gives two shits about my feelings, or about what I say. But I couldn’t help but to rant and pour my feelings out this time. I’m tired of keeping it all in and having it all build up because I have enough stress on my shoulders already and I can’t keep letting it get bigger and bigger because if I don’t somehow find a way to relieve this stress, I’m seriously gonna lose it.
Is it too much to say that I miss my old friends?…And some parts of my old life? Cus I’m really lonely these days, and it would be nice to have a friend just be there for me because they wanted to . And not because they feel sorry for me, or feel bad for me. But because they genuinely care about my well-being. *Sigh. Life man… . . Life is a BITCH & one hell of a headache.